I've been feeling very...not withdrawn, necessarily...but something like that. I've been feeling the need to be with myself. I've needed to let my mind quiet down, and to let my body sleep without the assistance of alcohol or medication. I've needed to read novels, and watch TV, and play Wii, and poke around online for hours with no particular goal in mind. I've needed to properly cook for myself instead of eating processed crap to cleanse my body of all that nastiness. I've needed to take walks with my camera. I've needed to sit with my cat. I've needed to clean my entire apartment, exhausted as I may have been afterwards. I've needed to watch thunderstorms that are pratically right on top of me and almost jump out of my chair when lightning strikes right outside my window.
Okay, so that last one was kind of happenstance. But it turns out I really did need to do that, too.
This last term in school left me a giant ball of stress. My sleep was messed up and I couldn't find the right medicine to fix it (still need to get in touch with the doc again and see what we can work out). 15 credits left me almost a shell of who I had been. I still have circles under my eyes. I'm only 26 and I'm pretty sure I have a few faint worry lines. I was so tense I brought back my old whiplash injury, which I got when I was 17. Or maybe 16. It still hurts to tilt my head all the way back, like when I'm gathering my hair for a ponytail. The knots in my shoulders have gone down, but not much.
It's a good thing I only have one year left. I'm not sure how much more I could take.
Oh, but wait. I recently decided that I'm definitely applying to a tax LL.M. program. Which means more school. Why? Because I know that's the law I want to do and if I do the extra work, it'll show that much more commitment to it. Plus most tax lawyers do it eventually, and with the economy the way it is I figure I'll just do it now so that I can have a bit more assurance that I get the job I want. If I get a post-grad job, great, the program can be either part time or full time so I can fit it to my needs. If I need it to be full time so that I have the authorization to borrow (even more) living expenses because, horror of horrors, this next year turns out to not be enough time to lift the hiring freeze in many law firms and other legal jobs, then...well, it's one more year where I'll be at least somewhat covered, even if it is living on more borrowed funds.
But, at least the LL.M. program will be like...a more focused law school. It'll be stuff I really want to learn. Not that I take classes I'm not at least mildly interested in...there's a reason I'm refusing to take intellectual property. But a lot of the time I take classes due to a mixture of interest and because I "should" -- either because of the bar exam or simply because it's good for a well-rounded legal education. This tax LL.M. will be all interest. Being actually interested in a subject when I'm trying to study always reduces my stress.
I think there will also be less *other* stress. I won't be stressing about the bar because I'll have already taken it. And if I don't get a post-grad job, actually being enrolled in the LL.M. program will help while I'm sending out resumes like mad...again because it shows that commitment to the subject. Plus the whole actually having the law degree and having taken and hopefully passed the bar exam should help on the job front too...I would imagine there's probably some level of hesitation in this economy when it comes to making offers to 3Ls who haven't actually finished school AND haven't actually become a licensed attorney. There's always the hope that I'll be doing this part time anyway because I'll have the job. Either way I hope to be less stressed about the whole employment situation too.
Anyway. I got oddly focused on things besides eating today. I ate some...but I have a very high metabolism, "some" is not sufficient. Better go make some dinner before I metabolize all my energy away.
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4 comments:
Being actually interested in a subject when I'm trying to study always reduces my stressThat in a nutshell is the exact reason why I left school after going back the last time. I kept saying "as long as I have a degree who cares what it is in" but truth be told I do care, which is why a bachelor's in English & Creative Writing is way further up the list than some Interior Design degree I would never use, no matter how close I was to completing it.
Getting into a program that enhances your marketability is kick ass. Do they offer that at N.E.?
It sounds like the alone time is just what you needed to recharge the old batteries huh? Hopefully Severus was a help in getting the stress level back down some too. Try to breathe & remember that summer is here and the beach, its sun and soothing sounds of crashing waves, is only a few minutes away :)
Well, I agree with the mantra of "who cares what the degree is in," but in a different way. I take it to mean that you should major in whatever you want, even if everyone around you is trying to get you to do something more "useful."
As for the LL.M. thing, no, it's not offered at NUSL (You threw me off with NE b/c there's also New England Law School so I thought I'd share our abbreviation, lol). It's at BU. Well, Harvard too but their program is weird, it's geared towards people who've already worked in tax law for a few years, not recent JD graduates. Not to mention the fact that I don't think I'd have a chance in hell at getting into any Harvard Law program...nor do I really want to, I don't have any desire to be a part of the "holier than thou" HLS culture.
I knew this past quarter was hard on you. Because in that odd, weird way we have, I was feeling it too. You have been so much on my mind and my heart has been so heavy being away from you. I really do wish I could make you spaghetti and bring you strawberry shakes from Burgerville and watch silly or sad movies with you and generally help you de-stress.
I love you. I know you know that. But I wanted you to know that I am proud of you for getting this far and for knowing that you reached the limit and taking the time for yourself. Give yourself the biggest MOM hug you possibly can. And then go get something to eat. =)
oh, bridgete. i never went to college because i pretty much wanted to crawl under a rock all throughout high school so i can only imagine how you feel...wow.
hugs to you...go get a massage for those knots.
xoxo
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