Eating, Praying, Loving

Well, I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia, by Elizabeth Gilbert, for the book club that Ginger started. What I found most interesting is not necessarily the book itself (although I definitely enjoyed it), but rather the fact that it was so the right time for me to read this book. Here I was, going on a trip to Paris, where I indulged in food and wine more delicious than anything I've ever had here in the states, even in Boston's most fabulous restaurants (and Bostonians love their food). I ate. While in Paris, I entered Notre Dame Cathedral for the first time in my life and the energy of God or the Universe or whatever you want to call it overwhelmed me, to the point where I had to just sit and let it wash over me. Then I lit a candle to pray for a job and I'm now trying to patiently wait for that to come along. I prayed. And I fell head over heels for my roommate with a sudden rush of feelings so strong I wondered where I'd kept them the past six months. I love.

This book taught me a lot about how to look at those experiences I've just had. First, that allowing pleasure for pleasure's sake, without allowing in worry and regret and whatever else, is an art that, as an American, I may never achieve. But after spending a week in Paris where nearly all I did was go sightseeing, eat, and drink wine, I've learned that I want to try. I want to figure out a way to be a lawyer while still taking time to actually enjoy my lunch, instead of scarfing it down in front of the computer screen because that memo just can't wait for me to digest. I'm not sure how well that will work since I just had to pick a profession that always needs something done yesterday, but both my experience in Paris and my new understanding of true pleasure from the book have made me want to try.

Second, I've been weird about religion for a long time now. I've felt the Universe work for me many times before. One moment that comes to mind is when my mom was almost stuck in Portland for Christmas due to a huge snowstorm in the NW. I remember when she told me her flight was canceled...I hung up the phone and fell to the floor in tears, screaming to the sky that I don't care about the presents, I don't care about anything but having my mom with me for Christmas and DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!? About 5 minutes later, she called back and said her flight had been reinstated and she was on her way. Then there was when Severus was really sick last summer. He had a bladder infection, which can be really dangerous in a male cat. I remember getting him on the antibiotics and they just didn't seem to be DOING anything for the first three days. I was terrified, and I didn't know what else to do. So, I prayed. I prayed to anything that I could think of. And he got better. And, most recently, I prayed that Christen would be okay and that her headaches and whatnot would be nothing. Well, the tests all came back healthy, and in the meantime she realized she only felt sick at work. So, she quit, and she's already starting to feel better.

The thing is, my prayers always involve tears. I'm always sobbing about something or other and begging for help. But I guess that's how it started for Liz. And I liked that Liz feels a lot like me in that she knows there are many paths to who she calls God. I also liked that she calls the being God without attaching the Judeo-Christian ideals to it, she just says it's more comfortable and familiar for her. I'd been really struggling with what to say when I'm praying. I've even been struggling with calling it praying. I still don't like organized religion, with all the rules and right and wrong, so the words associated with the most familiar group of organized religions in the US sometimes bother me. But I think I might go ahead and adopt Liz's idea, that I'm just saying God because it's familiar and easy. I think that will help my attempts at prayer, whether I do them every day or just when I need something. On that note, I liked the bit in the book with the petition to resolve the whole divorce thing, and then the resolution came. I mostly liked when Liz said something to the effect of, I can't just go to God when I want something, and her friend said, "why not?" This makes sense to me. If you're always devoted in your heart, if you're always aware of and grateful for the forces at work, helping you out, then what's wrong with only praying when you need or want something? It's like...well, okay, I have wonderful parents who never guilt me into calling more often or whatever, so this comparison may not hold true for everyone, but I'll use it anyway. It's like when I call my mom or dad for help with something, and they just do it. No stipulations (except maybe paying back borrowed money), no guilt, just love. And I don't have to tell them every single day that I love them, they know I love them. It's in my heart, always. So, why can't God be the same? And, even better, help to the greatest extent possible, for God, should be infinite!

And finally. I have loved before. Years ago. I was young and didn't handle it well. And then some things happened and I was intentionally celibate for two years because I couldn't even deal with the idea of sex. The celibacy broke with a little summer fling that I had just before leaving Portland for Boston to come to law school. He was actually a really great guy and the perfect person to have chosen for the purpose he served -- to bring me back to a place where someone can be interested in both physical AND internal beauty (some of the issues from before). Then there were a few "almost lovers," to quote Almost Lover, by A Fine Frenzy, through the three years of law school. Nothing really ever panned out, for a variety of reasons -- sometimes my issues, sometimes the guy's issues, sometimes both. And then there's now. It's been six years since I've been in a RELATIONSHIP.  I've grown up a lot.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I've learned a lot about what I need and what I want, as well as what I don't need and what I don't want.  I've fumbled around in the dating world and decided against a lot of potential flings/relationships/etc. because I knew they wouldn't be healthy for me.  And then, when I found a person who might be right, I finally gave myself the green light to go ahead and fall again.  I finally told myself I'm ready for the unbalancing balance of love.  And now I'm here, and I'm happy with my south Brazilian (another coincidental similarity to Liz).

So, thanks for the perfect timing, Ginger.  Now, on to the next book!