Thoughts

I started writing this as a comment on one of my mom's blog posts...but it was getting too long for a comment, and I feel like the post inspired some thoughts that I needed to put down in my own blog.

Anyways, Mom, you'll know what blog I'm responding to.

1) I think a movie quote says it best... "You can say anything to me, I hope you know that." - Jim Court (John Mahoney), Say Anything...
2) The raging success of Sex and the City has definitely opened up women my age to sharing their secrets with one another. I'm not sure about other generations, but I know that within my generation, any amount of sharing is entirely socially acceptable. Thus, I don't feel like I have any social barriers to sharing my secrets with my friends.
3) Even in light of that, I continue to retain my deepest secrets, sharing them with a VERY select few. I keep these secrets, not because it's socially unacceptable to share them, but because I have been hurt. So significantly that my ability to trust has been shattered. Especially that level of trust that is necessary for the kind of closeness you so beautifully described. I know that closeness. I had that closeness. It was a beautiful thing. But, the one I shared that closeness with took it, and manipulated it, and made it wrong, made it hurtful. I may never be able to share that closeness with anyone again. It saddens me that at the young age of 24, I have been so deeply scarred that I may never recover. This is what makes me jump whole-heartedly in career-related endeavors. This is why I keep people at bay, never letting anyone get close enough to hurt me again. This is what makes me push back the notion of a relationship to "someday." Always "someday." But...I retain a small glimmer of hope that someday will come. Someday, someone will find me, and fix me, and give me a reason to trust them, and the ability to do so. And they will not break that trust. They will not hurt me. It is this hope that keeps me searching. Looking for the love I deserve to find.